I am a 20 year old white female who has been in an interracial relationship for a little over 2 years. My boyfriend is black and we have known each other since elementary school but started dating in college. My parents know him, but they only know that w e are friends. I have decided that my new year's resolution is to tell them about us. He and I have seriously talked about marriage and having children. I pretty much know how my parents feel about interracial relationships in general because they have ex pressed their views to me in the past because I have always had many black friends and I knew they were fearful of me getting to be more than friends with one of them. I am so scared that I will have to choose eiother my boyfriend or my parents. I would n ever want this to happen, and I don't know what I would do if I had to. I think I will probably write my dad a letter and tell him everything. I am sure he will be shocked because I have never really had a boyfriend before Kevin. My parents are divorced a nd my dad is remarried. I feel most comfortable telling him because I know my step-mother is more against it than he is. I love Kevin with all of my heart, and my only wish is that we can be together forever. I hope that all of my fears are wrong and th at my parents will at least try to accept him. I really need some advice and would greatly appreciate any ideas! Thanks so much.

Love sees no color!!

I am 34 college educated with a good job and a
loving husband who is 35 black with a good job.
We started dating 9 years ago. I told my parents
they "disowned" me because I "we against my southern
upbringing" and "destroyed my mother". I was told
at that time I was welcome to come home (I had
moved to VA) but I shouldnt bring my boyfriend.
I just didnt go home. I have seen my parents one
time since 1988, in 1990 when I went home for
my 10 year class reunion. At firs t I kept in touch
with my parents because of my brother (who is 12
years younger). Unfortunately, I think he has
been poisioned by my parents. I dont know what
the solution to this problem is, smoe people tell
me to be patient, my h usbands family has been
very accepting, as have my extended family, its
just my parents, brother and I havent told my
grandmother. I hope that in time my parents
will come around. Thanks for listening.

Love will see you thru ev erything life sends your way.

e-mail or post to the board , we can help each
other thru this very difficult problem.

glenda : ) : ) : ) : )

I am a 25yr old white male, i am in love with a
African-American, and have been since i first saw her.
we know plan to be married, easter 97, and have a child
on the way. My divorced parents are against this, my
father more than mother. p arents have to realize that
this is know and that was then, things have cahnged
and are going to continue to change. Interracial Love
isn't for everyone, but for those who have the joy of
this just let us be.. It is hard enough to deal< br>with everyday life, we just don't need the added
stress of family interference.. there is no real way to
help dissapproving parents understand, but if anyone knows how please let me know.
in our eyes, we don't belong to any race but the< br> HUMAN RACE.

PEACE

I still haven't figured out why parents
bring their children into this world with as
much unconditional love as they are capable
of ...
Yet to know someone is to love them? The
more they grow to know thier child the more
cond itions they place on them!

If we learn nothing from our parents about
true love - unconditional live, then ow do
we nurture our own?

This is one area that anyone in our
situations be it interracial or gay or what
ever !?! can truly understand how important
that it is to break the cycle!

Continue to love ALL! Parents included! In
time hopefully things will reverse back to
some form of common respect and love!
Until!, Stand your ground, an d enjoy the
ones who enjoy you. Life REALLY IS TO
SHORT!

PEACE!

Taylor!

This is in response to Christina's cry for help and understanding...
Christina, I think you and I have a lot in common. I too, am a young white female (age 20) in love with a black male (age 22) . My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a yea r, and still, to this day, my parents refuse to acknowlege the fact that I am in an interracial relationship. They refuse to enter my room, due to displayed pictures, flowers, and fond memories of our wonderful relationship. They will not discuss weekend plans with me, for fear I might mention his name or an outing we went on. It has put a total strain on our family relationship. I feel as if I have to hide the one thing that makes me feel completely happy in life. If the topic is ever brought up, my dad will swear at me and call me horrible names, until I feel so angry and hurt that all I can do is shake and cry. He says that wasn't the way he raised me and it was the worst possible thing I could ever do to him and my family. If he "raised" me a certain way, then why would I even allow myself to date an African-American man? I can't hide what I feel, and it is taking a toll on my body and mind just trying to deal with it all. I know I can't change my fathers views, but is it possible for me to live happi ly with my boyfriend and still have a relationship with my father? I can't keep running away from this all my life, but I feel as if I am an adult now, and I have to do what makes CLARE happy, and still try to maintain a solid relationship with my father.
Christina...or anyone else with some advice....please respond soon....I'll be waiting.....

This is in response to Christina's cry for help and understanding...
Christina, I think you and I have a lot in common. I too, am a young white female (age 20) in love with a black male (age 22) . My boyfriend and I have been together for almost a yea r, and still, to this day, my parents refuse to acknowlege the fact that I am in an interracial relationship. They refuse to enter my room, due to displayed pictures, flowers, and fond memories of our wonderful relationship. They will not discuss weekend plans with me, for fear I might mention his name or an outing we went on. It has put a total strain on our family relationship. I feel as if I have to hide the one thing that makes me feel completely happy in life. If the topic is ever brought up, my dad will swear at me and call me horrible names, until I feel so angry and hurt that all I can do is shake and cry. He says that wasn't the way he raised me and it was the worst possible thing I could ever do to him and my family. If he "raised" me a certain way, then why would I even allow myself to date an African-American man? I can't hide what I feel, and it is taking a toll on my body and mind just trying to deal with it all. I know I can't change my fathers views, but is it possible for me to live happi ly with my boyfriend and still have a relationship with my father? I can't keep running away from this all my life, but I feel as if I am an adult now, and I have to do what makes CLARE happy, and still try to maintain a solid relationship with my father.
Christina...or anyone else with some advice....please respond soon....I'll be waiting.....

To all:
Sometimes you just have to choose. One thing I've learned in the few years (26) that I've lived is that life is not fair. Who our parents are, is just sort of a roll of the dice. I'm sure, if we could, we'd all choose open-minded, progressi ve parents, but that's not what we've all got.
Generally, once you educate a person, what they do with that education, is their own responsibility.
If you've visitied my webpage already, you know what you'd do if you were my parents, but my pare nts haven't even really told the family what's going on with me, much less the media in the US. They haven't sent the job applications I asked for, so that I'd have some help getting a job when I got back to the States even. So...I accepted that those t hings are just things I'll have to do on my own.
The wish is that they would come around, and learn to be more of the "Christians" that they claim to be, but the fact is, that they are neither, sympathetic of my cause, nor accepting of my choice of li fe-partner.
Of course, I'm not happy about it, but I am happy in SPITE of it.
If they want to be a part of my life, then that's cool...if they don't, I can't make them a part of it. Family is as family does.
Now, for those still financially d ependant on their parents, this might sound a bit cold, but you have to think of them the same as you would, anyone else who was your "landlord". Once you make a decision to live your life your way, you aren't really a child anymore. Think of it as sort of an 18 to 25 year lease.
Once you can afford to move out, do so. Granted, you love these people, because you share a history in common with them. Keep loving them, but don't believe for a minute, that love means peace. Sometimes love has to be v ery rocky to be maintained, but that's love, not "compliance with someone's wishes because otherwise things might be uncomfortable emotionally, physically, etc..."
Real love, sometimes, means letting go. If they can't learn that, you should learn it. I know, we're all tired of having to be the ones to be the adults in these situations, but such is life until the US is a country without "colors" except on the flag.

Hi, I've put up a webpage that focussing on interracial issues relating to Asian males. One of the topics I will be presenting is how to deal with diapproving parents. The webpage is one like a magazine where every week it changes and gets updated with fresh material. In a couple of weeks I'll want to put up some good methods of dealing with parental concerns. I already have an article ready but I was wondering if i missed anything or if anyone has any good ideas.

If you'd like to check this page out, please visit me at:

http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Flats/4732

My wife, of African American descent, and I have been married for nearly 2 years now. I can truly say that I have been graced with some excellent in-laws, especially my mother-in-law. She accepted me from day one. She always told Kelly, my wife, if he treats you right and with respect, then it doesn't matter what color he is. And to this day I am fully accepted by her family and have a very good relationship with them. My wife, however, wasn't as lucky. My parents are still in a stage of denial when it comes to them having an African-American daughter-in-law. When I first told my parents of my relationship with an African-Amerian woman their comments were: "We raised you better than that, and how could you do this to your mother?" These comments, mind you, were made before ever meeting Kelly. So you see, the dislike was purely based on race. Some people say that you can forgive older people who are racist because that's the way they were raised. I say Bull.... I don't forgive anyone for having a narrow mind, I broadened my mind and I'm not even half the age of my parents. Anyway, after meeting my wife, my parents haven't changed their attitudes in almost a two year time frame. My dad has come around some, but I feel it's more because he's af raid of losing his son more than accepting his son's wife. There's a strong barrier of static there still, maybe one day that will change, but whether it does or not, my concentration will remain where it always has, in strengthening my relationship with my beautiful, African-American wife.

This is in response to christina and clare's stories.
When I was reading your stories I felt like I was listening
to myself talk. I too am 20 years old and have been with my
boyfriend just about a year. We have been talking about marriage< br>and starting a family after I graduate next may and needless to
say my parents are irate! My mother basically is making me choose
between Jason and my family (this includes Aunts, uncles and cousins all
to which I am very close). She says that "there is absoulty no way her
and my father will accept this relationship" I am absoulty beside myself.
Its funny how they can't understand my feelings and non prejeduce attitude
since they were the ones who raised me to treat all peop le equally, and even
encouraged me to be open minded. I would understand if I was raised in a
raciest household and was doing this out of spite, but i wasn't and I'm not
I love Jason with all my heart and can't begin to pictur my life withou t him.
Also it is hard to talk to him about this because although he knows somewhat
how my parents feel he doesn't know to what degree and To tell him would
devestate him. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. Parents
are soposed to love you unconditionally and if THEY choose to disolve a
family and lose a daughter because of who she choses to love then maybe,
they don't really love us unconditionally. Further more, if it helps any
my dicision in making the ch oice between my family and Jason is to choose
MYSELF.

I am 20 years old and I have recently (3 months ago) got involved with a wonderful 21 year old, caring man I met here at Penn State University. He treats me with the upmost respect and cares about me so much. The past two or three weeks I have felt so g ood and so alive that I have realized that I might be starting to fall in love with him. However, a week ago my parents found out he was black and the you-know-what hit the fan. I never in a million years thought that my parents would ever react this wa y - I expected some shock or surprise but nothing like what I got. They tried to tell me that these things just never worked out, it wasn't right or moral and that society would never accept it and that's "just the way it is, so for your own sanity's sak e you need to just accept that." My mother tried to tell me that marriages between interracial couples never worked out because they are "too different." When I asked her how she new that she said she just did - it's a known fact. They haven't even met him yet?!?!?! I am scared to death about what the future might bring. However, as I read through some of the stories posted here I felt so much better. I'm not alone. We're not alone. Why should we stop doing something that makes us so happy just be cause the rest of society thinks it is wrong or whatever. THAT'S NO REASON!!! If we do that nothing will ever change . I don't know if things between me and Jayson will progress to marriage - I never want to think that far ahead in my life. But I thin k we should be given the chance to see. So come and get me "society." Thank you so much for all that you guys said and all that you shared - it really gave me hope and faith. My parents made me feel like I was the only one in this situation, but once a gain in this whole thing they are dead wrong. This isn't just a crashing of two different worlds together - it's one of the most beautiful ways to unite people together - unconditional "blind" love -and I feel so lucky to be apart of it. PLEASE feel fre e to email me if you have any advice or if you just want to talk.

I'm glad I found this site. Reading everyone's comments has helped me fell less alone in the world. I'm only 17yrs old and have never really thought about dating a black man. I've never really been attracted to black men before I met Brian. He's really ni ce and he makes me laugh, something I find important. We don't even date but he calls me on the phone. Unfortunately I have caller id and my parents have questioned me about him. I told them he's black and they nearly flipped. I told them we're friends bu t they just say "We don't want you talking to him anymore." It's mostly my dad, my mom basically just follows him. I tried to talk to my mom about it. She said they just want the best for me. Thats BS because if they wanted the best for me then why won't they let me date who I want. I feel like I'm a good daughter who doesn't disobey, doesn't drink or smoke, and I'm a top student. I work hard to please them but it still isn't enough. THe ironic thing is they're an interracial couple (Filipino/Italian.) fo r some reason that's okay?? I don't know what to do. My dad says I can forget going to college if "this" continues. He says he won't let me "disgrace the family" THe family being an Italian family with strict values. I never intentionally tried to make my parents angry so why do they treat me like a prisoner? I don't want to lie to them and sneak behind their back but when my dad yells (real loud) I feel like just running away or doing something I know I shouldn't. Of course I know that's not the answer, but then what is the answer? PLEASE, IF ANYONE READS THIS I NEED YOUR ADVICE. MY PARENTS (DAD ESPECIALLY) ARE NOT EASY PEOPLE TO TALK TO. I LIKE BRIAN BUT WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO JUST STOP LIKING HIM??????

Yes, help, my parents are very disapproving of my relationship
w/ my Indian boyfriend. I am a Catholic, white female and they do not approve at all..

I think this is an excellent web sites and it's great to see that so many other people are in the same boat as me; even people my own age. I am a 19 year old university student. I have been seeing boyfriend who is palestinian (muslim) for about a year now . There are no problems with the relationship on my parents side, but with his parents, it's a whole other story. His mother does not even know we are going out because my boyfriend is afraid of what will happen if he tells her. She hangs the phone up on me and calls my house telling my boyfriend to come home when she thinks he's there. She's even followed him when we went to a busstop to spy on us. Even though she says terrible things about him and i, i think she's actually a great person and I really want her to accept me. I come from a good family and i am not a bad influence. His religion poses many problems for us being that i am not a very spiritual person and find it difficult to deal with some of his practices. That is not really a problem being that we are able to talk things through. We have plans for the future but are afraid that his parents are going to stand in the way. I don't want him to have to make the choice between me and his parents. E-mail me if you are in the same situation or a s imilar one or if you simply want to chat.

I don't know about helping disapproving parents accept. I have
been in interracial relationships for 24 years and I have no idea
how to get through to my father. My mother was from Virginia and
my father is from northern NY. You'd think she would be the one
I would've had all the problems with. Maybe it's because I am
my father's only daughter and he feeds into the stereotypes
about black men and it somehow reflects on his manhood. Anyway
my mother was against my relatio nships at first but when she got
to know my son's father they became fast friends. In fact they
(my partner & mom) would sit at our house and talk about me when
I was at work. My father won't even acknowlwedge my kids. I don't
know if he even knows their names and my daughter is 18 and my son
is 10. It's so much harder on us since my mom died 7 yrs ago.
We live in NY and my partner's family lives in Florida so my kids
are deprived of a real relationship with that branch of their family.
My brother's are afraid of offending dad by being too close with
us, so we hardly ever see them and their families. Obviously,
we are never invited to any family functions. I say that it doesn't
bother me to anyone who tal ks about it with me. But it still
is a thorn in my heart. I think "How can a parent just declare
their child dead?" I say that I may not like what my child does
but I would never, actually could never, reject my child.
It's a hard row to hoe. If anyone out there has any similar experience
or any words of encouragement I would love to hear from you.
Love, Liz

I am a 32 year old black woman and have been dating a 35 year old white man for almost a year
and a half. We have been talking about marriage and I need to approach my very
disapproving family very soon.

I know exactly how my parents, or mother, feel about this match very painfully. My
mother and I are what I would consider "best friends." I live very close to my
parents and we have a very entertwined relationship with each other and the black
community. His family l ives at a distance and we have met and enjoyed each other.
They don't appear to mind. They see that their son is happy and seem to be content
with that. My parents, or mother, on the other hand don't ever seem to be content
with anyone I am dating and don't seem to care if I am happy unless they, or my
mother, has made the choice. How do I tell her that she made her choice of
partners over thirty years ago and she doesn't get to do it again for me too? She
claims that I can marry anyone I want because she doesn't have to live with him but
at the same time she is always trying to choose someone else for me that she believes
is more suitable.

If you know anything about the black community, you know tha t we believe in uplifting
the race. We believe in giving back to the community and in community service as a
way of life. So we (the family) are well known in the black community and otherwise.
So now she doesn't want to be seen out with me if he is there too. Because everyone
she knows will see that her daughter is dating a white man.

The last conversation we had on the topic she told me (for the umpteenth thousandth
time) that it is a slap in her and my father's face that I would chose a white man to
date. (I haven't brought up marriage yet.) You see, they were raised in the south
and were involved in sit ins themselves for civil rights. My mother, when trying to
have one of my siblings in Alabama in the early 60's was sent to a different hospital
to have her baby because blacks were not allowed. All the while traveling to another
hospital my sibling is entering the birth canal with the head crowning.

Both my parents have been a v ictim of "black only" and "white only" and then because
of my father's chosen careet path raised me and my siblings in a almost white only
environment.

I don't want to and will not make a choice between my partner and my family. I kn ow
I will not be able to change my parents (mother's) opinion and don't even try to force
the issue. But I just want them to understand that I am happy and believe that I am
making the right choice for me without sacrificing the friendship my mother and I have
come to enjoy as adults.

She, my mother, is and has always been a great influence on my life (obviously) and I
have always been the type to take the road of less animosity. But sometimes, I feel
as if I will n ever truly be happy with a man no matter what race or who he is until
she isn't in the picture trying to chose for me.

I struggle everyday with just trying to be happy. Do I break up with the only man
I've ever felt so connected to j ust because he is white. Do I do it to please my
mother. Do I let her just pick a man for me, marry him and dump him after she is
gone. Do I just never get married. I've never been a desparate woman and don't feel
that I have to have a man in my life. Sometimes I like me better when I don't have a
man in my life. But, I still ponder the consequence of ending this relationship on
the basis of colour only to hope that I could meet him again IN colour and if that
would be the biggest mistake of my life.

I have never been an advocate of mixing races because of the injustices I have seen
and experienced my self and not just on the basis of my mother's opinion. I don't
want to set an example or prove anyth ing to the world by doing this. I don't
recommend it to anyone. But I have found something incredible and I don't want to
let it go. I love my mother more than myself sometimes (as she reminds me of the
sacrifices she has made in her lif e for mine). And I don't have a death wish for
her so that I can get on with my life. I would like to be able to blend the two
somehow. But what course of action do I take without having to make a choice?

I would like to hear from an yone with advice and especially other black women who's
parents don't approve of a white man. Thanks for listening.

This site was an excellent find and I am definitely bookmarking it for future reference. Now, on to my situation. And, reading other people's comments, it may seem not so bad, but to me, it's like that low pulsing pain: it does cause excruciating pain, bu t it gets to be pain after a while!

I have been married for over 7 years now to a white woman. We are both in our mid-30's, so we have experience some things in life before we got together. Her family, as you probably already imagine, was not too happy about her dating ANOTHER black man. I was the third, and from what I'm am gathering, the other two were not very positive models for me to follow. There was not a lot of hostility like I have seen others experince in this forum, but there were a lo t comments that were made to my wife that made her sad, especially after it was known that we were getting married. Some said they would not be going to the wedding, etc.

Well, they got to meet me and I felt we were all trying to work toward a be tter relationship. I feel with most of her family, I am on pretty good terms. That's nice.

There's one problem that keeps popping up, however. Her family (expecially her immediate family, since I am around them more), seem still inclined to make what I consider racist comments. Statements like: "They all look a like," "They're all like that," "Those people always lie," and lots, lots more! It gets to me sometime, even though most of the time they are not talking about blacks. I have been fortunat e to have been associated with people of all cultures and I feel that I have benefited and learnd from those experiences. No matter how I try to correct them or let them know I don't like those statements, they continue or say "I know what I'm talking abo ut, you don't know like I know!" This statement has been directed at me even when the racist comments have been directed at blacks! What could they know that I don't!!!!

Well, I can deal with that if that's all there was. But here is what bothers me: for most of our relationship, my wife has sat in the presence of these comments (even when they are directed at my race) and said NOTHING! She won't respond. Even in our house! I tell her that when you sit there in silence, you give approval of these comments. I believe she is torn between her family and what is right?

For the most part, my family does not make these kind of comments, but when they are made, I MAKE SURE THAT I AM THE FIRST ONE TO CORRECT THAT PERSON! PERIOD!

I let h er know that it is affecting our relationship and the way I feel about her, but I only get luke-warm reaction. I feel so abandoned sometimes. I told her rather that cause her this torn-apart feeling, I would not go to the family outings as much. She woul d get upset. I let her know that this is going to come to a boil soon and it is going to cause unrepairable damage to the family soon. She had no reaction. But then it happen!

This was some time ago. I don't know if you remember that so-called CI A crack story that was blasted already the papers. Well, ironically, I found myself on the other side of my wife's brother and my wife's sister's brother. I said we should wait to see the evidence of whether the CIA sent crack cocaine into South Central L A before we start getting bent out of shape. Well, her brother, who has always been the most racially vocal of the family, said that he could believe it because the government knew that the black man would destroy himself over it! This lead to how black p eople are inferior and how black people can't control themselves, and that the only reason he got involved in drugs (he dealt drugs before) is because black people taught him!

Needless to say, we almost came to blows at that point. I let him know that that was a bunch of crap and that if he ever wanted to know what black people are like, he had all the example he needed at his convenience: me, my family, etc. His statement was "Statistics show..." I finally stormed out saying "I've had it with yo u...thanks for a wonderful time on my birthday!" It was my birthday and my wife's sister and her brother were going out to dinner with us. He had invited himself along.

My wife still felt it necessary to explain her brother's actions even when he r brother didn't find it necessry to excuse them. With every word from his mouth, the statements kept getting more vulgar. I took this as an insult not just on me, but on my family and any other black person that finds it necessary to work had and do the right thing in life. Idiots like will knock you no matter what you do.

I've never looked at him, my wife, or my family the same since then. I know that she will never consistently come to my defense and that her family can't exercise control over their mouths that you would expect courteous adults to. When family outings come up, sometimes I go, sometimes I don't and my wife does get upset. I really don't care anymore. I also let my wife know something else that did make her quite upset. I told h er that as long as she shows such unresponsiveness in this area, I can't bring myself to bring any children into this world where such disgusting attitudes are abundant.

One thing I must say I am proud of: even when I was at my most angry and fel t like knocking his block off, I didn't spew out the same swill as he did. It never came to my mind to do that! I did point that out, but he said "So what!"

Any thoughts on this from the forum? Am I blowing this out of purportion?

I read the message from Tom, whose wife's family appear to suffer from a remarkable
lack of class. I was shocked that he thought he might be over-reacting. If anything
I would say that he is under-reacting. If the wife doesn't want to do anything
about the situation then she IS no better than her family, and if that is the case
then I don't know why he stays with her at all. One thing that people considering
an interracial marriage should always consider is the influence of their fam ily
on the relationship. It is easy to blame other people like family members for
the breakdown of a marriage/relationship, but why should they have to change their
ways? The marriage is not their responsibility, it is the responsibility of t he
2 people involved, and it seems to me that the female in this relationship is
not taking on any responsibility for making it work. That is not a loving attitude,
despite how wondrous things can be when you're alone.

I have to agree with Ian. If the woman will not speak out to her family, then she is not the kind of person you would want to date.
People with weak character eventually come out sooner or later.
The uneasiness that is felt when her family makes comments, while she says nothing is what is called a "red light".
Whether the red light was seen because of a hypocrisy you unearthed, or in something like this, it is the same.
Get out of the relationship while you can. Don't be any easier on he r because of the "sensitive situation", which is her color, than you would on a Black woman who you discovered was weak of character.
Goodness and strength trancends race, and so does evil and weakness. So don't make special allowances because of her color.
If you have discussed this with her, and she still does the same things, then don't be surprised when the "n" word comes out of her mouth when you make her angry one time.
Many White women who date Black men feel that they are defiling the mselves. Or feel that once they've dated a Black man, that no White man will want them. some White men see a White woman who has dated Black, as "ruined", just as some Black men see a Black woman who has dated a White man as "ruined"Sad, but true. Espe cially if they were raised in racist environments and never thought to maybe refute some of their family's erroneous commentary.
Some were raised in non-racist families, or if raised in a racist household, had the sense and th gutts to either fight ba ck, or just avoid them.
This is a good time to re-evaluate the level of feelings you two have for each other.
My fiance fought a government with me. The least she could do is ask her family not to make such comments around her.

I am or was involved in a rerlatinship with a Taiwanese girl for almost a year. Two days ago her mother gave her an ultimatum, lose her family or lose me. As you can probably guess she chose her family over me and I am still shocked at how quickly thing s changed between us. Her family doesn't like Americans. She also didn't like not being able to communicate with me. I was trying to learn my girlfriends language but it is difficult when you are self taught. Apparently that was not good enough for he r mom and so instead of standing by my side whatever happened she gave into her mom's wishes and broke up with me. I am greatly confused right now. Why did her mom do this to me and her? What have I ever done to her family that makes them not accept me ? All I want is to be seen is as a person, not a race or nationality. Right now I am demanding an explanation from her mom but she refuses to even speak to me. I feel that she owes me this after she destryoed my life.
Signed Torn Heart

I am a nineteen year old female. I am so crazy about a guy that I have known for almost two years now. We have always just been good friends, but now we both realize that we want to be more than friends. The problem is that he is not allowed to date. He is Indian and because of his culture he is not allowed to even hang out with females that are not Indian. As a matter of fact, his parents are trying to arrange his marriage. If we were to try to have any kind of relationship, it would have to be on a limited basis. Basically whenever he could make up a good excuse to go out. I understand that his culture is a part of him and that if we were to get together I would most likely get hurt. But it's getting harder and harder to not express how we feel. I don't know how much possibility in anything really developing given the situation and feel very frustrated. Do I throw caution to the wind and do what I feel even though I know I'm going to get hurt? Or do I try to contain my feelings? Is there any possibility that this might work? If anyone has any thoughts or could help me, I would appreciate it. YOu can e-mail me. It is my father's address, but I use the internet.

I am white and 4 years ago I started dating an old friend from high school who hapened to be black. Because my parents had raised me to believe all men were created equal they really couldn't object (they may have wanted to). But my grand mother nearly fainted when she head the news that I had a "black" boyfriend. We were engaged and at the wedding (that she debated about comeing to) she wouldnt' open her eyes the whole ceramony. We now have a daughter and for the first year of her life my grandmother openly ignored her. This was very sad to me and my husband that she had such strong personal issues to deal with, but I felt that I had to make choices according to MY life not hers.

Someone please help me. I finally told my day after two years that my boyfriend was a young black man. He is not understanding at all. I knew he would not approve but I never thought he woulf flip like he did. I just know thinghs will never be the same between us. He really hurt my feelings. I really dont think there is anything I can do. I mean hey at least I finnaly told him right. O well I can't help it that he love me less and that all he dreams are for me or gone whatever.

I am 34 years and a white female. My preference is for black men. I do not nor have ever apoligized for who I am. I have 2 children both interracial. My parents especially my mother do not approve of who I am. None the less I refuse to be some one that I am not. I have lost employment and friends ( not that they really were friends) because of who I am. Nonetheless I still refuse to change who I am. My mother has told me that I will never be anything and will never amount to anything other than riding the welfare roles. However I have proved her and so many others wrong. I am a college educated woman and a professional and quite successful in my field. I have friends who accept me and my children for ourselves. Even in the the process have had some discover that we are "normal" and they have changed their views after their discovery. I have been called "whore" even by my own mother because of who I am. Still I refuse to change because this is who I am. My life might of been more difficult because of this, but through my years I have learned that intolerance shows itself in many different ways and I have become quite particuliar in who I associate with. I first "came out" to my mother and the age of 17. Her response was to throw me out of the house, to the streets. Even though she was not a bigot, or so she said, it reared it's ugly head. Through the years our relationship has been extremly strained. Most of our communication was for her to know where I was at. The times that followed were difficult. What happens to a 17 year old girl living on the street... But I survived. In my desperation of it all I turned to drugs and developed a serious drug addicition, but I beat that and still survived. I had a daughter and married her father, but in the divorce custody was an issue. he had the support and funds of his family, and I had nothing. I lost the fight and my mother's response was that it might be a good thing and that I should seek professional help, "to get over my idea that I am not good enough for a white man" I survived, even though it was touch and go for a while. I had another child a son and have been a single mother since birth, he is 9 years old now. My family did not know of his exsistance until he was almost a year old. I have since managed to put my self through college and began a career. During my years at school my mother became "born again" as she put it and declared her understanding and acceptance. Yet it has been over a year since I spoke to her, because this time I refuse to make the first step and say that it's OK. I have found that her tolerance only went so far. Sometimes it is quite difficult and lonely, especially since I have not found any one with a shoulder of understanding. I have a wonderful man in my life, but he does not understand. His family loves him and anyone he does. I am looking for a shoulder of understanding and if there is anyone who may have even came close to walking in my shoes, please contact me. Thanks for listening

I recently read an article where Tiger Woods said he was only 1/8 BLACK,1/4 this, 1/4 that what I want to know is HOW DOES HE KNOW THAT. I guess I could say that I am a QUADROON (A person of 1/4 black ancestory:the child of a MULATTO and a WHITE person) but HOW DO I KNOW? I am so SICK of everyone making thenselves sound like some sort of RECIPIE BOOK. EVERYONE in AMERICA is mixed, especially BLACKS and LATINOS....so what's the big deal with these so called NEW MIXED PEOPLE. My Family comes from a long line of miscongeneation. I have ancestors that participated in the famous QUADROON BALLS of New Orleans, I even have MIXED(Part BLACK)ancestors that OWNED SLAVES in Haiti, New Orleans, and Cape Verde. If they were mixed back then wouldn't todays BLACKS and HISPANICS be mixed, after all they're the decendants of those PURE and MIXED SLAVES and SLAVE-OWNERS. I know I don't look BLACK, that's probably why I am so PRO-BLACK-AMERICAN....My CAPE VERDEAN family always jokes about how AMERICAN BLACKS are DILUTED and NOT BLACK AT ALL...we don't even now what tribe or part of AFRICA we came from, and this is the truth. If I had a penny for every BLACK person I knew with NATIVE AMERICAN and/or EUROPEAN blood I'd be one of the richest people in the world. MULATTOES don't exists today; a MULATTO is the offspring of a PURE BLACK & PURE WHITE. Most of these MIXED PEOPLE OF AFRICAN DECENT would see that if they studied their BLACK-AMERICAN history they already we mixed before their mom married their dad or visa versa. MY CULTURE IS MIXED FOR ME AND HAS BEEN MIXED FOR 500 or MORE YEARS....I speak a language, CREOLE, that combined the FRENCH & SPANISH & PORTUGUESE of my EUROPEAN ANCESTORS with the AFRICAN & NATIVE AMERICAN TONGUES of my DARKER ANCESTORS...so why do I need a NEW culture..this MIXED RACE THING...MIXED RACE isn't even a culture...all it is is a fasad to group everyone into one catagory...no offense but if you've ever met a CREOLE, we are a proud people...I LOVE MY HERITAGE, so why would I want to be clumped in with someone who isn't of any AFRICAN DECENT, and doesn't have the same history as I do? BLACK and HISPANIC have been the MOST excepting of all the RACES, if we weren't then we wouldn't have so many different shades of ourselves. I've heard people say that to slove the world's racial problem we should all mix into ONE RACE....NOW I'M NOT PREJUDICE, how could I be, but that's one of the worst ideas I have ever heard...OUR CULTURES AND ETHNIC BACKGROUNDS ARE WHAT MAKES US DIFFERENT....nobody has a house that's all one color inside and out, with the furniture, food, and appliances all the same color...most people like varity, well if everyone is the same then we have no varity....and trust me if we were all the same color someone stupid would start finding ways to make us hate each other...they did it with BLACKS:DARK-SKIN HATES LIGHT-SKIN, KINKY-HAIR HATES STRAIGHT-HAIR.....I like varity. I like being able to go visit my Jewish friend one day, my Irish friend the next, and my Cuban friend the next...

I have found the comments in this forum to be most enlightening and wonderfully cleansing to read and ponder. In my 33 years, I have dated women from many different backgrounds and have learned a great deal from it. In dealing with parents I have come across very small incidences of prejudice, but prejudice never the less. I've experienced most from my immediate family and my grandmother, as well as, ex-father in-law. I am a black male, married to a wonderful white woman (actually my 2nd marriage to someone who is white). My parents raised me and my four siblings to be good Christians, to love everyone regardless of race, to live comfortably in predominantly white neighborhoods and to serve God by serving others. My parents never talked about dating or who we should marry. I had white friends all my life and thought it was natural to associate with and even date all types of people. But I do recall hearing my parents talk against interracial dating when my older sister met a nice Jewish boy at University. I am not sure whether they disaproved because of race or religion, but I remember my sister being hurt by it. I also recall several times, my older sister being hurt by my father's disapproval when she dated a nice Iranian guy and also a white guy that she met and was going to marry in Law school. I remember sticking up for her and being so ashamed of having educated parents with such vulgar and ignorant attitudes on this issue. That left a lasting scar on me, but also helped to formulate my beliefs. Because we lived in Texas, in the early 80's and because I was a black guy, dating in the open was very hard. I mainly dated Mexican American women, who seemed to be a great medium. Thoughout University I dated some black women, some white and biracial women and a long term relationship with a Mexican woman. My parents did not indicate to me at the time how they felt and I never asked. The trouble began there with my grandmother whom I lived with and thought very close to. She would constantly make comments about the fact that my Mexican girlfriend does not love you, she must be trying to get something from you. I argued with her about the fact that there was nothing that I had that she wanted and that we were very close friends and loved one another. She could not believe that I could not find a nice black girl instead. I explained that I did meet some girls on campus but they were either not interested in me or when I did go out with them they expected something from me that I was not able to give. When I went to graduate school I found a freedom I had never had before. i was able to date women from South America, Africa, Korea, Southern and Northern women and Europeans. i felt I was liberated from the bonds of my family and their peculiar ways, I wasn't. Every holiday, when I went home, incidently my family had been living in Central America, My family would ask about women I was dating or meeting. I left out details so as not to have to explain anything to grandmother. When I went home for the summer, I had been seeing a really great girl and we corresponded almost daily. When my grandmother found out she continued to pester me and say really hateful things, I cringed, but kept it inside for I had already planned this was the last holiday that I would come home for and I was going to permanently stay in New York and live my life. Then, in the fall of that year I met and fell in love with the woman that would be my first wife. We clicked in so many ways and had so many things in common that we knew it was a match. We knew that we wanted to be together and talked about marriage early on. I met her family, and was accepted by some. But her father, a crusty old WASPY executive,did not. I had talked about her to my family but they had not met her. When announced the engagement and pending wedding, I was weiry, but not expecting what I was about to endure. When I called them to tell them, I had my mother, father and grandmother on the line and they all disapproved from the start. My mother wanted to know why I was marrying so early and I needed to finish school first. My grandmother yelled and stated that it was going to be tough and why would I choose this.(The irony is that she is half Irish-and sometimes proud of the fact) My father was vehment in his protestations. He continued to say that he did not approve of this and that he would not come and that I was disowned. I tried to state the contrary, but it did no good and I received even stauncher backlash. Then i decided to fight back. I stated that they had raised us to be openminded, intelligent and good people. They never talked about their preferences in mates while we were growing up and we were not brought up to be afrocentric or racist. I also stated that it was absolutely a mortal sin to act in the manner that they did and it would ultimately be detrimental to them to continue down that road. I left it at that and hung up the phone. Later, I received calls from my mother stating that She was wrong and that she would stand by me. My grandmother and father, however, stuck to their guns. On the Wedding day, I expected my mother and sisters to show, but instead, my grandmother, father and mother drove (get this) 16 hours, to come to NY for the ceremony. I had invited other family, friends and business collegues of my dad and I guess he did not want to be embarassed. I recall, being asked by my grandmother and mother to go out to his car and invite him to come in. He was so pig headed and ashamed at his racist behavior that he did not want to apologize. I, on the other hand, swallowed my pride and went to invite him, I , however, stipulated that this was me and my brides most special day and that I would not tolerate any BS from him or I would ask him to leave. He agreed and the wedding went off without a hitch. At the end, my father came up to me , hugged me and asked for forgiveness. It was a tearful moment, but one that will stay with me for ever. I am now happily married to my second wife, we had a private ceremony, andeverything is great. I am not in contact with my family and so have no worries. We don't communicate, because we just realized how unnatural American society looks at families. I love them, they love me, but we are not friends. I don't really find them to be a great support and we don't have anything in common. So we feel it is unnecessary to keep up formalities for the sake of society. My parents divorced and its for the best. Move on. So the advise I give others regarding disapproving parent are: 1)be honest, direct and understanding of difference of opinion, but do not let them bully or manipulate you. They are your parents and deserve respect, however, they do not own you and cannot disown you. 2)Educate yourself on the facts; their disapproval is a sin(if you are spiritual or religious, it is racist, period and it has noscientific basis. 3) Be clear that you care about this person because he treats you right, shares the same values, goals, dreams and aspirations. Don't date anyone for spite or because it is a fad or curiosity.(people won't respect that) Jungle fever is a slap in the face to people who truly love and often suffer real hardships from people with wrong ideas about us. 4)Be open to listening to others, but never, never compromise your principals. The principles of justice, equality, right vs wrong, non prejudice and fairness should not be compromised to suit others feelings. People naturally wnt others to conform to the norm. They want everyone to exactly alike, could you image being and doing exactly what your neighbors and family wanted you to be and do? God gave us all free will and an individual mind, heart and soul. To be able to choose for ourselves the right path, the right career, the right mate, not the mate chosen by others and society.

I am married 3 1/2 years to the love of my life since she walked into the second grade. It took 18 years for her to come around. My wife is 1/2 Japanese & 1/2 Black(with German, Irish, American Indian mixed in). My mother never had a problem with our relationship, my father might have had a problem if he had not known of my intentions. An Indian frind working for my father told me my father had concerns and didn't know how our extended family would accept the relationship. I made it clear that this was the woman I loved and will spend the rest of my life with and nothing or no one would come between me and happiness. If that meant cutting all contact with my family, so be it. As it turned out my extended family loves my wife and my father loves my wife so much so we have vacationed many times together. My father saw this is who made me happy.
Family relationships are important, but each individuals happiness is more important and should never be comprimised, we are talking about the rest of your life. I feel if any family member is so narrow minded as to not consider your happiness, they were never your family in the first place.
Be strong and stand your ground, you will be happier with yourself no matter the consequences.

I am an 18 year old half-black/half-white female. I am currently dating a half white/half Ecuadorian man. I fecently found that although he wanted to introduce me to his white grandparents, his mother, who is white, discouraged him from doing so because of my race. This is the reason that I came to the site.
My parents overcame many adversities to get where they are today. I have never felt nervous about my parents accepting who I've been dating in terms of race, because of their relationship. My mother, who is white, was disowned by her own parents for five years simply because of my father's race. It was not until my brother was born, 21 years ago, that they finally accepted their relationship. They now love my father as if he was a son.
I'm sharing this story with everyone because I think of it as a inspirational story. Although times were rough for a long period of time, my parents got through it. This shows me that although I may be going through the same thing, I know it will all turn out the way it should, and I pray that one day his grandparents will see me as the bright, accepting, bubbly individual that I am - and not just as a color.

Well, I think you have a tough situation at hand-but I think your gonna have to find the nerve to tell your dad and mom. It's going to be very tough, but your gonna have to. If you try to hide and lie, its just gonna make it worse. If you are straight up with him, ans just tell him like it is, then I think he might understand. Race really doesnt matter, even if it seems like it does. Well, I can feel your pain, cause I've always have been 'into white guys' as well as black, hispanic, whatever, race just doesnt matter to me.I like they way a lot of them look, But I find it hard to be with a man outside of my race, because a lot of the ones that I have tried talking to thinks that I am trying to convert them into being black and that is not the case. I dont have a boyfriend, cause I dont feel that I should have one right now, since I am trying to settle my life down, and since I am trying to find myself, I really don't need that. But I really hope that you and your girlfriend find some happiness, and your father makes the best our of the case!

I need help myself. Please e-mail me with any advice. I am about to graduate college, and I am in a serious relationship with a young man of Indian (Asian) descent. My parents do not approve. They tell me that I will always have problems. They have said offensive things about the Indian race. Furthermore, my parents told me that I am going against their values. My parents are educated people, mind you. They are not ignorant. My father is a doctor, and my mother a professor.

Hi,

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We invite you to join our team.

Hello, my name is Naida. I am a 20 year old Cuban female from Miami, FL. Recently I started dating an African-American man and my family is completely against it. My mother, more so than my father asks how can I do this to the family. They tell me that if I decide to get seriously involved with this man, that they are going to disown me. They know I have always had a strong attraction towards black men, but this is the first Interracial Relationship I have ever been involved in. I feel that the decisions I make in my life are my own, and they are just going to have to learn to cope. At the same time, my family is very important to me and I don't want to chose sides. Basically what I need is advice on how I can get my parents to accept my boyfriend, and get to know him for more than what he is to them right now (just some black guy). HELP!!!

I am a 17 year old white male and am very in love with black girl. She is really special to me and I really do love her. I,myself, never thought I would fall for a black girl but now that I have my whole life has changed.I see the whole world different. Now to the problem. My parents are very racist esspecially against black people so I didn't tell them. I guess I'm not good at keeping a secret b/c after 4 months they knew. First my mom told me that she couldn't believe I would do something like that and that I would ruin my reputation. I told her that it was my turn to be happy and there was nothing she could do about it. My dad beat the hell out of me and told me that he would never look at me the same way. I will never look at him the same way. I am not allowed to see her,talk to her, or even mention her name.But I see her almost every weekend and I talk to her everyday. I love her. I really don't want to make a choice between her and my family(my whole family,no one wil!
l understand)but I will. I will be me at all cost. What is the point of living when you can't be happy by being yourself. Her mom understands and I can talk to her like she is my own mother. She has two brothers,one whom I am friends with and the other who disapproves of this type of thing but tells her if she is happy it is OK. Her dad has no idea at all that I am white. He knows I call. Her mom says he will not go along with it and she will be in the same situation I am. When I am with her, I never worry about any of this because I am happy. If you have any suggestions email me and let me know. I have 6 months left until I turn 18. Until then it's our secret.
Kyle

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i am a 21 year old white female and i recently met a 35 yr black male that i think i could have a great relationship with. i have dated many black guys and my mother and sister know this. my mother didn't care for it, but i think she thought it was a "phase". my sister was always there to support me. now that i have met this older, smart, great guy, whom they have never met, they are throwing a fit. my mother wrote me this long e mail telling me i am not thinking of the complications that we will have in the future and i am setting a reputation for myself. she fears that i am going to be "lost" to the black community and white males won't want to date me. her words hurt me so badly. and she went on to say that my sister agrees with her. that hurt me even more, because i felt she stabbed me in the back. i don't understand why they have to act like this. my mother tries to tell me that she is open-minded, but she is totally stereotyping and hating. i don't know how to make her see that color has nothing to do with it and i want her to see charles for who he is. a person. if anyone has some input for me, i would really appreciate it. i love my mother and sister, but i am just so angry with them right now and i don't even want to speak to them. i want to wish luck to all the people that are in my situation as well.